Are You in a Toxic Relationship? Know the Signs
75Most relationships start out with the belief that this will be an intimate connection with a special person in your life. Some of us get lucky and get our wish. Most relationships fizzle out and end without much ado. However, there are those relationships that don't end, but are far from an enhancement to your happiness and your life.
The incident with the popular singers Rihanna and Chris Brown has put the issue of violent relationships in the public eye front and center. Even someone with seemingly perfect lives can get caught up in toxic relationships.
You may be in one of these toxic relationships and not realize it. Sometimes a person becomes so accustomed to the abuse in a toxic relationship that they become numb to its effects. Of course, if a partner physically abuses you the relationship is definitely toxic. But a relationship doesn't have to result in physical abuse to be considered a toxic relationship. Here are some of the signs of a toxic relationship.
Control Issues in a Toxic Relationship
If your partner is controlling, this is a very important clue. Most toxic relationships, if not all, have at least some controlling aspects. There are many ways a partner can be controlling. These may involve restricting your spending, your transportation, even access to friends and family. Your partner may let you go places, but requires a blow by blow account of every moment of your day. Maybe your partner does things to check up on you and see if you're lying. I know someone whose husband used to touch the hood of the car everyday when he came home from work to see if she had gone anywhere.
Related to the above is jealousy. Jealousy is almost always present in toxic relationships. Your partner will try to convince you that it is because he/she loves you so much. Don't believe it. Jealousy is a sign of mistrust and insecurity and nothing else. Sometimes the abusive partner will accuse the other of affairs and of being unfaithful. Often the accusing partner will actually be having affairs.
Psychological abuse often occurs in toxic relationships. This can range from name calling, humiliating you in front of friends and family, and treating you in condescending ways. This is not behavior in a loving relationship. Don't let excuses and apologies permit this type of behavior.
More Toxic Relationship Clues
As mentioned above, your partner repeatedly does things that upset you and later profusely apologizes. The apologies usually seem very sincere. Yet the behavior occurs over and over. This is a classic sign of a toxic relationship. If the apologies keep coming with the same excuses, but the behavior doesn't end, your partner doesn't intend to change.
If your partner has a short fuse or a violent temper, you probably are not in a healthy relationship. Another toxic relationship clue is if your partner always blames you for his or her actions when he is behaving inappropriately.
If your partner grew up in an abusive environment, the odds are greater that they will be involved in a toxic relationship. Abusing drugs and/or alcohol use also increases the odds for a toxic relationship.
Are You in a Toxic Relationship?
If you find these toxic relationship signs similar to your situation, leave. It is that simple. Get out. Toxic relationships usually build slowly. They can become increasingly more dangerous and violent if you stay.
If you will not do that, talk to someone. Find a friend, pastor, someone. Preferably get counseling. And if you ever feel that you are in danger, leave immediately. Don't wait to pack or try to work things out. Be sure to call police as soon as you feel threatened. Don't become a domestic violence statistic.
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Signs of a Toxic Relationship CommentsLoading...
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This is a hub for all to read be it male or female.Thumbs up!
Angela- Yes there are some relationships which are "toxic" with no chance for roll back but on the whole (at least that's what I believe in) there are chances that the relationship can get back to the right track if both the partners understand the problem areas and willing to work on it. Thumbs up for a thought provoking hub.
wow.. i think im in a toxic relationship... eeek.
just escaped mine, thanks for the block of support
I have a friend in one of those now. Though he might be getting out soon. (NO! not me)
Is traveling around the country with your husbands younger brother seem "Toxic". When D. Boone came back home after 4 years of Surveying and Indian fighting, his brother had married his wife. True story, I went to UK and am from Lexington.
No Offence
Hi Angela. Yes I am. No abuse. Drinking
alcoholic. In and out of recovery.
He is a Christian Man. I pray, keep the faith, have hope , give up hope, i am a mess today. I cry, involved in my church, help others, write, detatch, alanon. I feel he has brought this home down. God is good and he is my provision. The sad news is I have come not to depend on my husband for a thing. He and I are not growing together. It is so sad as I know God has plans for his life yet he can not hear through drunk ears.
I will be back to read more. Check my hubs when you can. Gods Blessings. I can encourage many, yet I am onesad woman today. This too shall pass. Sorry for pity party. Your hub caought my eye. Hugs
I recently got out of a toxic relationship, my bf spoke to me bad all the time, name calling etc, hit me on occasions. but when he was being nice I loved him so much. I know he has issued growing up when his father left him so thats why he says he has anger problems. although he is so selfish and cruel and has recently accepted me ending things without even trying to sort things out, i still love him and I cant bare to be without him because when things wer good between us, they wer the best. do u think he ever actually loved me? im so confused.
Hi Steph, I know exactly what you're going through. You will think of the good times but at the end of the day --,NO ONE SHOULD EVER EVER make you feel bad -- and you recognising the toxicity in the relationship and actually end it is a sign how strong you are. It is normal you will miss him and love the times and memories that were good - but THINK OF THE BAD TIMES!!!! HE NEVER LOVED YOU - no matter what he said. My boyfriend used to say he loved me all the time, he wanted to marry me and have kids with me, but all the while he was in touch with his ex-gf and when she turned up after a year and a half of being abroad, he slept with her. I overdosed while he spent 4 days abroad with her. And on top of that, I had to have an abortion after as I was pregnant with his child and he couldn't stand up for either of us. So I hope you don't take him back, or ever go back to him. They can hurt you over and over again and will not feel any remorse for it. Good luck and things will get better.
I have just left a toxic relationship of 11 years. I had been unhappy for years but I was so worn down by his relentless name calling, put downs, sexualized language and was very tightly controlled - he called it love but it was merely domination.
He would brainwash me with comments like "I am the best thing that ever happened to you" - "You will never leave me" - "We are a strong team". In the end I started believing this and it made it even harder to consider leaving.
He pushed and chested me and used to aggressively yell to get his own way. He would use the most disgusting language to dominate me. I would always dissolve in tears but he felt no remorse whatsoever. He just used to say "Bloody women - no wonder I drink"
A warning bell rang loudly when his son pushed his short term girlfriend down some stairs and she damaged her coccyx and had to be hospitalized. He said his son was justified because the girl was "in his face". That showed me that I could also be hurt and they would just make excuses and put the blame on me.
He had an affair five years ago and he left me home while he went out with her telling me he was meeting his mate. I phoned this woman and met her cos I wanted to know how he operated. She said she had her car fixed by him and when she came to pay he asked her if she wanted to pay or go out for dinner. Always be careful of offers like this. She was a Christian and knew that I existed and she said she knew it was the wrong thing to do. He was seeing her for eight months and lied constantly to cover his tracks. He even had her number in his phone as a mans name so I wouldn't get suspicious.
I went to Relationships Australia to see a counsellor and cried all through the appointment. I felt scared, confused and alone. The counsellor said she was alarmed about what had been happening in my life and she told me to get an Intervention Order which I did. The police served it on him yesterday and they also removed his firearms. We go to court next week as I just have an Interim Order.
I am very scared of him wanting revenge against me but I am starting to notice a small happiness and relief coming.
If you are in a toxic relationship seek help and get out. Just do it,
Sandie, It takes a lot of courage to do what you have, but obviously it was the right choice. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story- maybe it will help someone else in an abusive relationship get the courage to leave. Congratulations on your new beginning and may you find the happiness you deserve.
I am a bloke just reading all those comments and wanted to post a quick well done Sandie.. No one should deal with any form of abuse.. Hope you find the partner that truly appreciates you for who you are.
I have just released myself from a toxic relationship and instantly was able to relax unfortunately i have know as usual seen what role each of us played in action and reaction i feel we both had a role to play and i may have been able to turn it around only I had worked so hard for everything that I had and he was jealous of me
so was his girlfriend and other people that seemed to use him up and be stuck in life it seems he had judged me from the start
yes I had trust issues I have been hurt by many people but had always learned lessons thus recieving gifts and moved on. I have learned to trust my intuition and am a very good judge of character and was slowly becoming comfortable in trusting him. When he cheated on me I forgave him but he continued to want a freindship with this women then he decieved me using a male name in his phone a little while latter he went over her place and verbally abused me and almost a year latter lied to me like he was joking using that same mens name and kept telling me what are poor women she was because she had told him a sad story of domestic violence in my opinion emotional abuse is the same and it was completely unsuitable for me to be in a threeway relationship especially where she had the heart and I had the responsibility been there done that and no there is no winners or losers freedom allows you to win but still wondering
Im was a victim of toxic relationship, the things is that i need not know of the sign that caused. Finnally, Im out this relationship
im in a toxic relationship :/
I need to get out of my relationship but i am scared
Reading these comments has en powered me though i am on my own in this relationship so its stuiped to worry about being single again
Though I agree 100% about abusive relationships, I also can sympathize with the jealous/insecure/controlling person. For me, I know in my heart I am in love with my partner, but my insecurities/jealousy is causing a strain on our relationship. It's not like I choose to feel this way! I wish I could be more secure and stable but I can't help it. It was not like this early on. So what should we do? Break up? No. You work through it.
So my boyfriend and I just broke up. We have been together for a year and living together for 5 months. I moved out of his house because we were constantly fighting. It was a toxic relationship but on both our parts. We spent every moment together that we werent working and got on each other's nerves. He was having a lot of bad luck issues going on and I actually have a lot of mental health issues. Our own problems became each others problems and then the fights would start over something dumb. Which turned into both of us name calling and then throwing things at each other. He hit me in the face with frozen chicken nuggest after I threw an ashtry at him and I called the cops only to find out that I could have been arrested. He got arrested because of an outstanding warrent that I didnt know about. I knew about the situation but didnt know he had a warrent for it. I stood by him through that and he loved me for it. Things were better for a couple of weeks but then back to the arguing and fighthing again. Mostly over our money situation. I had finally had enough and moved out. But we are talking now slowly and both want to work things out. We both identified our own problems, our problems in our relationship and know that if we jump back into it the problems will still be there. So we want to give each other space and see if we can have a healthy future together. Do you think that this is possible?
Excellent article! Why is it so hard to do the healthy thing? When you are in a toxic relationship, you know it because you are miserable, yet sometimes keep deceiving self and enduring it. Why do people feel so powerless and stuck in these situations?
I am 18 years old and due to issues with my parents, I live with my boyfriend of nearly two years and his mother. I love my boyfriend more than anything, however it is clear to me that we have been in a toxic relationship from the start. First I thought it was because he was addicted to cannabis, but even though he has been sober for two months his behaviour just seems to be getting worse. Although he says he trusts me he is constantly accusing me of cheating on him even though I have always been 100% faithful to him. This really hurts me because I should have more reason to mistrust him since he cheated in one of his previous relationships. He tries to control my everyday activities by having tantrums if I want to see any of my friends or family. Therefore I now feel extremely isolated as I don't have any close friendships anymore. He has frequent mood strings when he cannot control his anger which usually results in him hitting me, punching or kicking holes in walls or damaging our property in any other way. Perhaps the worst of all is that lately he has been trying to convince me to have a baby, but I am too scared to even consider this because despite the fact that I am in my first year of uni, I would be too worried that he may inflict violence on the child just like he has me. He recently confirmed this fear by punching me in the stomach one day in the heat of a fight and later telling me he thought I might be pregnant (I had gained some weight). I know that he loves me more than anything, but he is causing me to become extremely depressed and suicidal at times. In some ways I want to leave him, but I cant bring myself to do it because he is all I have and I love him so much. And even if I did leave him, I cannot see a way that I can safely do so since I live with him and don’t really have anywhere else to go. I feel like I am stuck in this situation. Does anyone have any advice?
@ Stephanie, so glad you commented here because I think it tells everyone you really do know the answer - you need to get away! Certainly, do not have a baby with this guy! Are there any women's shelters in your town? Look online, maybe there are some in nearby towns. They are staffed with supportive volunteers as well as skilled counselors who can really help you get on your feet and put this all in perspective. Think about it. If you are willing to sacrifice your dignity, freedom, and happiness because you depend on the "external" the boyfriend for acceptance and the little bit of good times he is capable of giving you, what kind of life would that be for an innocent baby? It is no kind of life for you. I know, I have worn your same shoes, so I am not preaching to you dear one, I am trying to relate something that I hope will get you out of the web of illusion and into a healthy life. Much luv & best wishes!
Hmmmmm. Have a think about this.
I am married to a woman who had affairs. She has managed to block them out even when I have email evidence. To her they do not exist. Think about that...to her it never happened.
To me they are very real.
So when she says things like affairs are a cry for help! or says things to her boss like his wife is spoilt! How am I meant to feel? Nice and secure? I think not.
Who is in the toxic relationship...her or me? I am only protecting my family from this happening again!
I got out of a toxic relation after nine years. I had his baby, he went and had an affair. While I was at home looking after the baby, he was lying and saying he was fishing while having an affair. When I found out, I went off my brain and kicked him out and left him. Sold up and moved on. He moved in with his affair partner as I knew he would leach on her and make her pay bills and she is young and dumb and puts up with all his controlling ways. He hasn't changed a bit but he had found someone who is naive, no confidence or self respect and I think that's easier for him. He now uses her to attack me and like a little puppy dog she does. Let's hope she wakes up to herself one day like I did. Doubt it though, at least I didn't know he was a lying cheating controlling dog. She does!!!! Told you she's dumb
Ivanhock 3 years ago
Enjoy reading your article and enligthening. For any relationship to last, I believe both parties have to work on it, and I mean hard. The sparkle that ignites the initial relationship is lost over time, and unlikely to rekindle with the flow of time. People change over time and hopefully, the changes do not divert too much. When this happens, the relationship turns toxic .